How to Fail at Absolutely Everything!

How to Never Get Promoted!

November 17th, 2006 Ozzy

Getting promoted normally means more responsibilty, more money and more opportunities for personal development. To make sure your career becomes stagnant we will highlight some of the main do’s and don’ts to ensure you never wind up getting promoted, earning more money or realising your full potential.

People tend to get promoted for a variety of reasons, for instance:
a) as a reward because they’re good at they do
b) the person shows a lot of potential for development
c) to fill a vacancy from within the company
d) as a means of retaining good workers that would leave soon if not promoted
e) someone is bad at their job but it’s not going to be easy (or pretty!) for the company to get rid of them so they promote the person ‘out of trouble’.

Understanding some of these reasons means that we can formulate patterns of behaviour and character traits that are required if you are to wallow in your current role and never move any higher. The first and most obvious point is *never* to ask to be promoted or apply for a promotion! This first point conforms to the maxim “you don’t get what you don’t ask for”.

It’s ok to be ok at your job but make sure you don’t excel at it. If you become very competent in your current role those above you may feel obliged to promote you, maybe even making you a trainer of new people to the organisation. Going the other way, make sure you’re not the worst at your job too - the aim is to get into your comfy rut, not to get sacked!

Don’t be asking questions about your job and especially not about other areas in the company - don’t appear interested in the running of the business and look bored if anyone starts to talk about the internal workings of the company. Don’t volunteer any ideas for improving the business, no suggestions for making it more efficient, and no thoughts about how the company could make more / spend less money! Shrink your interests to the bubble immediately round yourself and don’t give anyone any reason to suspect you’re (capable of) thinking about a wider picture.

Get on ok with your boss and don’t slag him off to other people behind his back. This means that he is more likely to stay (/ last!) for longer and while he’s got his job you won’t be considered for it! (Note that this is probably the only piece of advice that works both ways i.e. if for some inexplicable reason you did want to get promoted then you should still follow this advice).

Dress in clothes like the other people at your level, not in clothes like your boss would wear. If you start to dress like your boss other people in the company will start to ’see’ you as being from that level - this means that your promotion is less of a mental leap in the imaginations of those above you as, in part, they already see you as ‘one of them’ - don’t dress above your station! A bit scruffy is a good rule but certainly don’t try and adopt the latest fashions from the tramp world!

Have a bit of a lark at work… you spend most of waking hours there so it should be a bit of a giggle right? Right! You don’t want to appear too professional so it would be wise to photocopy a funny body part every now and again, lock someone in the stationery cupboard, or, in true Bart-esque style, ask the receptionist to put a call out for Seymour Butts. Don’t go overboard, you want to be seen as humourously unprofessional rather than a liability that needs to be offloaded with speed!

By sticking to the guidelines above you should be able to get overlooked for promotion again and again and again. If you have any other tips or advice about how, in a world of opportunity, you’ve managed / plan to remain a small fry then do tell!

Tags [ Fun | Funny | Humour | Humor | Life | work | promotion | Business ]

Entry Filed under: Work