How to Fail at Absolutely Everything!

How to fail at Dieting

November 2nd, 2006 Ozzy

With a little motivation and behaviour change I will show you how to pile the pounds on even whilst ‘dieting’! We have compiled the 11 of the biggest and easiest ways to ensure your diet doesn’t work, whatever diet you’re using!

If you want to fail at dieting here’s our collection of Do’s and Don’ts:

1) Skip Breakfast - breakfast is the most important meal of the day and having a good and healthy breakfast can reduce the hunger you feel throughout the rest of the day and therefore reduce the calories you are likely to eat. So it is important that you skip breakfast each day, just have a cup of coffee instead.

2) Only Eat When You’re Really Hungry - by not eating very often your body goes into starvation mode i.e. your metabolic rate slows right down (the rate at which you burn calories) as your body doesn’t know when it’s going to get its next meal and so it preserves the calories it has already rather than waste them! This means that when you do finally eat pretty much all of it gets stored as fat in readiness for the next ‘fast’. This is a good way to make sure that you don’t shed any weight and bloat faster than a puffer fish.

3) Have a Couple of Big Meals Each Day - when you eat you force your metabolic rate higher for a time which means you burn calories faster - so, from a fat preservation point of view, it’s best to consume the same number of calories as you would do normally but distributed between fewer meals.

4) Eat Sugary / Starchy Foods with a High GI - GI stands for glycaemic index and is a measure of how fast a food that you eat can be converted to fuel (glucose) that gets transported in your blood. After a meal your blood sugar level (BSL) goes up and (in non-diabetic people) this is met with increased insulin levels which help to take this unneeded fuel out of your blood and store it for later use, i.e. glucose in your blood gets changed to glycogen or fat and stored. The higher the GI of the food you eat the quicker you will be flooding your bloodstream with unnecessary fuel that needs to be stored rather than used. Low GI foods on the other hand would offer a slow release of fuel into the blood more inline with the body’s requirement and so aren’t as effective at making you fatter. Also, a time after eating high GI foods your BSL tends to ‘crash’ which can leave you feeling faint, in a cold sweat, feeling weak and very hungry… so you will tend to want to eat some more high GI food to boost your blood sugar level etc etc and the carb loop continues. So, recapping, if you want to fail to lose weight then high GI foods like potatoes, pasta, rice, white bread, cakes etc should never be far from hand and lower GI foods like whole grain foods, fruit, veg, beans, nuts, fish etc should be relegated to the back of your cupboard.

5) Drink Soft Drink / Caffeinated Beverages - soft drinks contain lots of sugar (sucrose) which if you’re not exercising is likely to be converted to fat in quite an efficient manner. Caffeine on the other hand, while it does increase your metabolic rate (i.e. helps you to burn calories), it also makes you crave for starchy / sugary foods. So to keep your weight up you’d do well to keep soft drinks and coffee etc as your main sources of fluid intake throughout the day.

6) Weigh Yourself Every Day - your body weight will naturally vary quite a bit from day to day for no easily isolatable reason. Weighing yourself every day (rather than say once a week) will mean that you will see days where you’ve been ‘good’ and your weight has *still* gone up. This will be a body blow for morale and will make you more likely to give up your diet so weigh yourself at least once a day.

7) Anorexic Supermodel as Your Target - research has shown that having realistic targets helps ensure that goals are met. If you have a ludicrous target as the envisaged ‘destination’ of your diet then you are likely to get very frustrated by your (relative) lack of progress and give up trying i.e. “what’s the point?” syndrome. Surround yourselves with magazine photos of the most underfed supermodels and convince yourself that that is the look you should be striving for.

8) Easy on the Fruit and Veg - fruit and vegetables contain calories so by skimping on these nutrient packed foods means you’ll have earned the calorific right to sniff a cube of chocolate.

9) Bedtime Snack - the night is long right? And you might die if you went all that time without eating mightn’t you? Having a meal or snack just before bed makes use of your body’s reduced metabolic rate whilst sleeping and ensures that you are able to efficiently convert the calories in that late meal into fat. Better still, you can use the fact that you had a late meal as an excuse to forego breakfast the next day!

10) No Extra Exercise - not only do you burn extra calories while exercising you also raise your metabolic rate for a time after you have finished exercising - a double whammy! So to keep the pounds on you should avoid exercise like the plague!

11) Say ‘No’ to Water - don’t drink spring water or tap water. When you are dehydrated your body tends to misread thirst signals for hunder signals so if you are thirsty all the time you are more likely to overeat. Sugary / fizzy drinks are good water replacements as not only are these laden with calories they are also ‘water-robbing’ meaning that you are actually thirstier *after* you have drunk them than you were before - an easy habit that pretty much guarantees you’ll keep hold of your hard earned fat!

If you have found any other methods very effective at stacking on the pounds relentlessly then let’s hear them!

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