How to Fail at Absolutely Everything!

How to fail your Driving Test!

May 1st, 2007 SlickChick

I’m sure there are a lot of you out there that have managed this at least once in the past, in the days when you used to marvel at how people could do a different thing with all four limbs at once, keep to the speed limit, watch other traffic, obey the rules of the road, read and understand road signs and STILL manage to change the radio station,smoke a cigarette and keep up a constant stream of inane chatter with the passenger. Well for those of you that eventually passed and lapsed into the realms of letting the car drive itself and only using one sign on the road, that being ‘the finger’, I’m afraid you are beyond my help at this point, but to all you would be drivers, who still think that to be able to drive is only one step away from being able to fly, then read on, and let all your dreams be dashed.

The Highway Code is the bible of the road, so if you want to fail, DO NOT READ IT. Stopping distances!!!! who needs em? road signs!!! as iv already stated, there is only one sign you need to know when taking your driving test, ‘the finger’, to be displayed at every roundabout and t-junction, especially when you are in the wrong. The horn on your car is there to be used, so whilst on your test, give it a blast when you see someone you know walking down the street or when you feel that the finger isn’t sufficient to put your point across to the other road users, or failing that, just when you feel like relieving a little stress.

Seat belts are there for your protection and more importantly, it is a requisite to passing your test, so leave it unfastened. And if you wear glasses, don’t take them to the test centre as its probably best that you don’t see the mayhem you’re creating in your wake anyway. Which brings me very neatly on to mirrors, and the use of them. At every junction, every time you wish to pull away and indeed whenever you are about to make a maneuver of any kind in the car, ignore them, in fact, i have devised a little saying for you to memorize in order to remember a few of the most important points:- ignore mirrors, don’t signal, maneuver at top speed, follow these three simple rules and you can’t go far wrong, or errr right….. Signals are for wimps, so just assume everybody knows exactly what you are about to do and go ahead and do it, your finger signal is the only one you will need to use in these instances.

Drive everywhere at top speed, wheel spins are particularly effective when trying to fail your test, as are hand brake turns, so practice these whenever possible. You are in fact, allowed to take your test in your own car as long as it is deemed road worthy and legal. So if finances allow, do just that. Adorn your car with bumper stickers such as ‘I hate driving examiners’ and ‘Kill driving examiners, not your speed’. Have big luminous green and orange fluffy things all over your dashboard, preferably in the way of your speedometer. Take your rear view mirror right off and have it laying on the back seat, this will have the added advantage of discouraging you from being tempted to use it as well as pissing off the examiner before the test even starts. And when you are lead into the car park and asked to read the number plate on a car at the far side of the road, say ;what car, whilst squinting in the opposite direction.

Talking incessantly throughout your test about the latest goings on in Emmerdale and how your cousin managed to pass her test by wearing a short skirt and no knickers will also help immensely.

Although your theory test is also a huge part of passing your driving test, i have not as yet mentioned it. This is because i assume that if you have read this blog through thoroughly, you will no doubt have noticed that part of my advise was NOT to read the Highway Code, therefor, if you have taken this advice to heart, then failing the theory part of the test will not present you with any problems whatsoever.

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