How to Fail at Absolutely Everything!

How to make a lousy Sandwich!

April 27th, 2007 SlickChick

Ok, making a sandwich is a very personal thing, we each have our own method, some butter the bread,some add an extra slice in the middle,some cut the crusts off (these people are easy to spot, they’re the ones with straight hair!!!) Therefore, it stands to reason that there are also countless ways to fail at making said sandwich, but for the sake of sanity i will concentrate on just one method at this time, but watch this space,as it may return by popular demand with yet more ways in which to set the late great Earl Of Sandwich spinning in his grave!

First, the ingredients:-

1. Two slices of bread preferably hard, mould optional
2. Knob of butter (always wanted to use that word in a publication that wasnt linked to male body parts in some way :-)
3. Filling, preferably something runny e.g. baked beans

Second, the method:- If using sliced bread, always try to use at least one crust, as nobody likes a sandwich made from one crust. Spread on your knob (there it is again, ooh er missus) of butter. Now there are two ways you can handle the filling here, you can either pile in as much as is humanly possible so that when you try to eat the sandwich, you end up with a lap full of food (hence the reason for the runny consistency of the filling). Or you can use the “petrol station pre-packed sandwiches” method, and just put a tiny amount in a diagonal line through the middle so that when you cut it in half it looks like its packed with filling but in reality there is only a teaspoonful, surrounded by hard tasteless chewy bread.

So there you have it, how to fail at making a sandwich in just a few easy to follow steps. If you have enjoyed reading this, you may be interested to know that im thinking about writing my own cookery book entitled “Crap Cooking The Easy Way”, there would be a students section of course, covering “cooking with mould” and a section for married men over 50, entitled “Cooking!! What’s That?”. So if you would be interested in purchasing this book, please e-mail me!

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