How to rear awful Kids!
First of all, if you’re going to do it, do it properly right from the start. Make sure that at least one of the gene contributors is as ugly as sin, preferably both of you if at all possible, this way you ensure that the kid gets a bad start, and if there are any genetic flaws on either side then so much the better.
Right, now that you have produced your fundamentally flawed offspring, its time to start really messing them up. Nobody likes a spoilt brat except possibly its parents, so you have to spoil them at every opportunity, when they are babies, constantly give in to their untimely demands, run to the nursery whenever they cry and never put them to bed until they have been rocked to sleep in your arms.
As they get older and start nursery, volunteer to help out, this ensures that the apron strings remain firmly knotted and ensures that you are on hand to sort out any toy disputes by snatching said toy from the child that had it first and safely depositing it in your little brats waiting arms, thus teaching them that tantrums DO work.
Once school commences, start as you mean to go on, lateness is compulsory, that goes without saying, so is lack of homework, incorrect school uniform, total lack of respect for the teachers etc. now, it is very important to nurture your childs growing resentment of you by annoying the hell out of them with constant phrases like, because i said so, and, while you’re under my roof you’ll live by my rules. Trust me, by the time they’re teenagers they’ll hate your guts. They will also need to be able to eat what they like, i.e. all the wrong foods, watch as much as they want of whatever they want on telly, and go to bed when they feel like it. If you are at all unsure about any of these rules, there are a number of excellent tv programmes about at the moment that have first class examples, i.e. nanny 911, brat camp and surprisingly, wifeswap, i know its supposed to be more about the women on that programme, but there are some right brats on there!!
Once they reach their teenage years, you should have a great example of how NOT to raise children on your hands. There are several things you can do at this stage. You can get the BBC to make a television programme about them, that way you can profit from your failure. Or you can wait til they reach the ripe old age of sixteen, and throw them out. Or, if you have read my previous blog on ‘How to help your Marriage fail!” you can send them to live with their estranged father!!
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Add comment April 19th, 2007