Archive for April, 2007
Ok, making a sandwich is a very personal thing, we each have our own method, some butter the bread,some add an extra slice in the middle,some cut the crusts off (these people are easy to spot, they’re the ones with straight hair!!!) Therefore, it stands to reason that there are also countless ways to fail at making said sandwich, but for the sake of sanity i will concentrate on just one method at this time, but watch this space,as it may return by popular demand with yet more ways in which to set the late great Earl Of Sandwich spinning in his grave!
First, the ingredients:-
1. Two slices of bread preferably hard, mould optional
2. Knob of butter (always wanted to use that word in a publication that wasnt linked to male body parts in some way :-)
3. Filling, preferably something runny e.g. baked beans
Second, the method:- If using sliced bread, always try to use at least one crust, as nobody likes a sandwich made from one crust. Spread on your knob (there it is again, ooh er missus) of butter. Now there are two ways you can handle the filling here, you can either pile in as much as is humanly possible so that when you try to eat the sandwich, you end up with a lap full of food (hence the reason for the runny consistency of the filling). Or you can use the “petrol station pre-packed sandwiches” method, and just put a tiny amount in a diagonal line through the middle so that when you cut it in half it looks like its packed with filling but in reality there is only a teaspoonful, surrounded by hard tasteless chewy bread.
So there you have it, how to fail at making a sandwich in just a few easy to follow steps. If you have enjoyed reading this, you may be interested to know that im thinking about writing my own cookery book entitled “Crap Cooking The Easy Way”, there would be a students section of course, covering “cooking with mould” and a section for married men over 50, entitled “Cooking!! What’s That?”. So if you would be interested in purchasing this book, please e-mail me!
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April 27th, 2007
I’ve never had green fingers, so this particular failure comes easy to me. Apparently, growing flowers from seeds is the most difficult way of doing it as opposed to buying the plant at your local garden center and just watering it until you see flowers, so id opt for the seed approach to maximize your chances of failure.
Checking the sowing times is not recommended, just wait til you’re in the mood and then go into the garden and chuck them on the ground. Kick a bit of dirt over them with your foot and then chuck a bucket or two of water over the whole lot and wait expectantly.
If you fancy having a go at growing flowers from bulbs, then you need to invest in a shovel, and bury and little suckers as far down as you dare go without unearthing a water mains or the pet dog that you buried six months earlier. When they are good and buried, stamp the earth down good and hard.
If, after all your efforts the little blighters still manage to bloom, then here’s a few tips to make sure they don’t mock you for long. If it’s summer, then DON’T water them, and if its winter, then water them liberally at least twice a day. Also, try transplanting them to a part of the garden that is well walked on, i.e. the edge of the path, or next to the dogs kennel!!
All flowers and plants love frost, so make sure they are exposed to it as often as possible.
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April 23rd, 2007
First of all, if you’re going to do it, do it properly right from the start. Make sure that at least one of the gene contributors is as ugly as sin, preferably both of you if at all possible, this way you ensure that the kid gets a bad start, and if there are any genetic flaws on either side then so much the better.
Right, now that you have produced your fundamentally flawed offspring, its time to start really messing them up. Nobody likes a spoilt brat except possibly its parents, so you have to spoil them at every opportunity, when they are babies, constantly give in to their untimely demands, run to the nursery whenever they cry and never put them to bed until they have been rocked to sleep in your arms.
As they get older and start nursery, volunteer to help out, this ensures that the apron strings remain firmly knotted and ensures that you are on hand to sort out any toy disputes by snatching said toy from the child that had it first and safely depositing it in your little brats waiting arms, thus teaching them that tantrums DO work.
Once school commences, start as you mean to go on, lateness is compulsory, that goes without saying, so is lack of homework, incorrect school uniform, total lack of respect for the teachers etc. now, it is very important to nurture your childs growing resentment of you by annoying the hell out of them with constant phrases like, because i said so, and, while you’re under my roof you’ll live by my rules. Trust me, by the time they’re teenagers they’ll hate your guts. They will also need to be able to eat what they like, i.e. all the wrong foods, watch as much as they want of whatever they want on telly, and go to bed when they feel like it. If you are at all unsure about any of these rules, there are a number of excellent tv programmes about at the moment that have first class examples, i.e. nanny 911, brat camp and surprisingly, wifeswap, i know its supposed to be more about the women on that programme, but there are some right brats on there!!
Once they reach their teenage years, you should have a great example of how NOT to raise children on your hands. There are several things you can do at this stage. You can get the BBC to make a television programme about them, that way you can profit from your failure. Or you can wait til they reach the ripe old age of sixteen, and throw them out. Or, if you have read my previous blog on ‘How to help your Marriage fail!” you can send them to live with their estranged father!!
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April 19th, 2007
First of all, choose your perspective partner carefully, the best place for women to look is usually in pubs and clubs, self help groups may also be worth a try, after all, if you can start out with damaged goods then your halfway there already girls! As for the men, they might like to try any local pole dancing establishments, and for the image conscious among you, weight watchers is probably worth a look.
Once you’ve found your future spouse, don’t hang around, get married as soon as possible, within a couple of months will usually suffice, that way you don’t have time to get to know each other at all before you’re thrown into the daily grind of living with the same face and the same annoying habits day after day after day for the rest of your life.
Now, for the women i have three pieces of invaluable advice at this point, they are without a doubt the main cause of marriage rot in a huge proportion of failed marriages. Number one, stop shaving,wearing make up,doing your hair, or taking care of your personal appearance in any way. Number two, your performance in the bedroom must suffer in order for this to work…..errr i mean fail !!! so stop all oral, (and i don’t mean talking about the weather) in the bedroom, this shouldn’t be as difficult as some of you may think, in fact i’m sure that in some parts of America its even written in the wedding vows, and if it isn’t, then write your own, i hear thats very popular at weddings now. Number three, and by far the most important piece of advice i can give you is, try to change him! look at every aspect of his being, and improve on it, nag him about his personal habits, his taste in music, his friends, anything that makes him, well, him.
Now don’t think that i’ve forgotten you men, i have advice for you too. Number one, now that you’re married, stop hiding your errr natural bodily functions, thats right, wind IS funny, so fart, burp and giggle about it to your hearts content, be proud of how loud/long yours are. Number two, only acknowledge that she is even remotely attractive on your wedding anniversary. And number three, and i’ve saved the best till last, start calling her, the missus, or her indoors or the wife at every available opportunity.
If, after following all these simple rules, you are not divorced, or at least in marriage guidance counceling within 6 months then don’t panic, you still have a couple of options left open to you. Have an affair, preferably with a member of his/her family, or their boss, or their best mate, and be very indiscreet. Or become a hollywood film star, their marriages very rarely last past the wedding reception.
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April 15th, 2007