How to help your Marriage fail!
First of all, choose your perspective partner carefully, the best place for women to look is usually in pubs and clubs, self help groups may also be worth a try, after all, if you can start out with damaged goods then your halfway there already girls! As for the men, they might like to try any local pole dancing establishments, and for the image conscious among you, weight watchers is probably worth a look.
Once you’ve found your future spouse, don’t hang around, get married as soon as possible, within a couple of months will usually suffice, that way you don’t have time to get to know each other at all before you’re thrown into the daily grind of living with the same face and the same annoying habits day after day after day for the rest of your life.
Now, for the women i have three pieces of invaluable advice at this point, they are without a doubt the main cause of marriage rot in a huge proportion of failed marriages. Number one, stop shaving,wearing make up,doing your hair, or taking care of your personal appearance in any way. Number two, your performance in the bedroom must suffer in order for this to work…..errr i mean fail !!! so stop all oral, (and i don’t mean talking about the weather) in the bedroom, this shouldn’t be as difficult as some of you may think, in fact i’m sure that in some parts of America its even written in the wedding vows, and if it isn’t, then write your own, i hear thats very popular at weddings now. Number three, and by far the most important piece of advice i can give you is, try to change him! look at every aspect of his being, and improve on it, nag him about his personal habits, his taste in music, his friends, anything that makes him, well, him.
Now don’t think that i’ve forgotten you men, i have advice for you too. Number one, now that you’re married, stop hiding your errr natural bodily functions, thats right, wind IS funny, so fart, burp and giggle about it to your hearts content, be proud of how loud/long yours are. Number two, only acknowledge that she is even remotely attractive on your wedding anniversary. And number three, and i’ve saved the best till last, start calling her, the missus, or her indoors or the wife at every available opportunity.
If, after following all these simple rules, you are not divorced, or at least in marriage guidance counceling within 6 months then don’t panic, you still have a couple of options left open to you. Have an affair, preferably with a member of his/her family, or their boss, or their best mate, and be very indiscreet. Or become a hollywood film star, their marriages very rarely last past the wedding reception.
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Add comment April 15th, 2007